Since the writing of my last post, I have gone to the casino several times. So many times that I do not remember. Four or five. I lost another $15. So by day four I had lost $35 total. That is not to say that I was not ahead for a while though. I had a lot of fun, but the regret for staying too long and not being ahead when I left has eaten my lunch. Literally. I got physically sick when the adrenaline rush was gone. All my back pain was intensified. I tried to talk to my roommate, but we could not talk at length because she had to leave for work. She is really helping me in a lot of ways. I feel like I disrespect her when I lose money instead of bless her. I sought my own more than I sought to be a blessing.
But things did not stop there. On the night that my paycheck hit my card I asked for a loan. Got it went to the casino with the intention to stop when that loan was gone and give the money back when the money actually hit the card. Problem with that is that the money did not last very long and never multiplied. Once the check was in the account I withdrew my rent, the loan, and a little more. Hoping to save on withdrawal fees, right? I paid her back. Paid my rent. And tried not to spend anymore. For all of 30 minutes. I think my pouting was just too much and I dipped into the extra cash. A person with a gambling problem should never have access to extra cash. By the end of the night I had lost $100. I went over 24 hours without sleep and have been sick ever since.
Today’s society focuses on number one. Saying things like, “If you do not look out for yourself first, no one else will.” I wanted to enjoy something in my life. I just knew that if I did not “treat” myself to this “fun” then no one would. Talk about stinkin’ thinkin’. I pushed out every thought of how my actions would or could affect anyone else. My roommate and I had been planning a trip to St. Louis forever, but I had not saved up one cent for the trip. I was banking on her paying first and my paying her back. That was such an example of selfishness. I ruined the possibility of going on that trip with my addiction to whatever it was that gambling was giving me. I was just seeking my own. Very much against the Word of God taught in 1 Corinthians 13.
My problem seems to have a measure of distrust behind it all. I was not trusting in God’s provision or God’s ability to bring me more joy than winning brings. Trust. Trust. Trust. I am not trusting God when I am filled with anxiety all the time. I am so glad that even though I have taken into account the wrongs suffered by the hands of others, God does not do that with us. I was rejoicing in unrighteousness really. I was trying to glorify the casino behavior to fit my own desires. I did not mean to hurt my roommate or anyone else along the way. I could have done a lot of things differently. But I have a Father God that forgave me before I did it. Yes, I asked for forgiveness for the gambling and spoke to my roommate about how sorry I was for the way I treated her during this time. I feel that it may be necessary to continue to seek deeper reconciliation with everyone including God as I come to a better level of understanding of what I have been doing.