Repeat

I promised that I would check in after I arrived at the library. So here I am. I am a little concerned that I may spend too much time here and miss the next trolley. I just remembered that I was supposed to cook stew this afternoon. Oops! Of course, I had the curtains draw and overslept this morning too. In light of that information I think that I should just cook tomorrow or Wednesday. I work tonight, so there really are no plans except to keep praying for my fibromyalgia pain to go away. It is just not letting up.

I told my physical therapist about the pain and she even gave me a little stretch work on my neck to help. Because I am there for my shoulder she only worked on that side. I am still having problems with strength, but this is probably my last week of therapy. I am really going to miss everyone. Especially Paula. She is so sweet and I now that she has a strong faith from the conversations that she has with all of us. I am thinking about sending a few cards to them as a thank you. Maybe even a missing you. The doctor may order a functionality evaluation since I am not as far along as I should be at this point.

I am scared of going back to the bakery. But lately I have been getting uneasy feelings about staying in the fitting room. It may just be that things have been so much easier on be because they are avoiding asking me to do more difficult work. My memory and lack of critical thinking caused me to panic last night at a time when a new person just took the time to think it through. It took a few hours, but she got it done. I do not think I could have finished it at all.

Getting back and forth to work has been a struggle and stress since my last. LAST trip to the casino. I had saved $60 and had transportation coming from friends. I was set. BUT then I went to the casino. I wasn’t satisfied with just playing the bingo type game. I went over to the machines that I have been winning on. I did okay for a long time. But I would try to bet max and lose. I would put another $20 in and the same thing would happen. I even won back all that I lost at one point, but a man sat next to me and won $200 in just a few minutes and I got jealous. Two sins in one night. I LOST IT ALL. Including about $10 in ones. So probably lost close to $70. I AM DONE!!!!! The hatred I feel at myself is consuming. I am crying out for God’s grace and beating myself up at the same time. I had to have a conversation with my roommate that was more than intense. I am still learning to grow up and I am not the only one losing patience with me in that area.

This entire time I have sat here I have been looking at my watch to not miss the trolley. I think I have. Guess I will read. What a concept at the library.

Life

Life inside this body is my prayer today. My pain has been too intense lately. Worsening with each week for the last couple of months. I’ve asked friends for prayer and continue to pray for others who are in more than I.  I finally put my pride aside and went forward for prayer at church yesterday. A breakthrough is coming. I cried finally. I think the pain has something to do with my inability to communicate my emotional state. I feel numb when I should break. Praying for some relief and release.

Heading to the library and physical therapy,  so I should be back to share later.

Timing

Do you ever feel like you have set your personal timer to run faster than the Holy Spirit? Well I seem to find myself doing just that. On purpose I made myself an hour early for physical therapy just so I would have more time here. Why? I’m not sure about that either. Fear maybe. Where is my trust in the Holy Spirit lately? Are you getting tired of all the questions? I am.

Maybe I just need to be real with myself. Fear and trust are issues. I’m constantly worrying that I am still doing something wrong. It’s not anyone’s fault. There is just so much history to leave behind. Mikey’s death. The divorce. All the abuses to me by others and self-abuse. More things have gone wrong from consequences to my jumping ahead of the Lord than at the hand of some man. 

I am so glad that God has given me so much grace. I can run and still turn around. He’s always there. 

Covered by the Blood

Matthew 28:20 NKJV – I Am With You Always .

This is my focus for today. Jesus says, “I am with you always!” I am watching The Bible mini-series on DVD. The words that have spoken to me the most have been these. So many times this week I have felt loneliness. Searching to Facebook for some type of connection. Praying that my roommate would have extra time to talk to me. Starving for something to do at work just to get my mind off of it. But these feelings are nothing compared to the pain and suffering that Jesus went through on the cross for us all. By His stripes I am healed and that should be all that I think about if I am in physical pain. Pain–emotional or physical–can no longer be my focus. Fatigue cannot rule my life anymore. I cannot allow Satan to steal anymore life from me. I shall not focus on what I do not have, but praise God for what He has already given me. This is a new day. I cannot go back to the old ways of thinking and acting anymore. I have to allow the blood of Jesus to cover my emotions, my health, my work, my finances, and most of all now–my future.

Note to Self

God’s timing is perfect. There was no reason for me to be worrying about writer’s block. My problem was really very simple. I was trying to write a book that was already as complete as it should be. Every work has its day. Journey to Life was cathartic and helped me attain my master’s degree. My family may choose to read it some day to understand some things that have happened in my past, but it does not need to be published. I have real ideas today. Joy filling my spirit and time to enjoy both. Time to go to the primary care doctor this morning, so this is going to be very short. I hope to be working on some poetry and scene development today. I do not think it too complicated to work on two projects at the same time when they are both so much fun.