Coming Back to Life

Back to Life by Mandisa is coursing through my spirit today. I am so grateful for the moving of the Holy Spirit. I prayed and prayed yesterday for God to help me with my physical pain and depression.

Mandisa Lyrics

“Back To Life”

I breathe out confusion
I breathe in Your truth
I breathe out all my fear
I breathe in Your peace

I, I’m coming back to life
I’m feeling hope arise
Because of You, only You
Jesus…
I, I’m leaving the rest behind
My heart is satisfied
Because of You, only You
Jesus!

I lay down my weakness
I take on Your strength
I lay down my defenses
I step into Your victory!

I, I’m coming back to life
I’m feeling hope arise
Because of You, only You
Jesus…
I, I’m leaving the rest behind
My heart is satisfied
Because of You, only You
Jesus!
Only You, Jesus!

Shame and depression, and all anxieties
They have no power over me
Addiction and strongholds, and every disease
They have no power over me
Shame and depression, and all anxieties
They have no power over me
Addiction and strongholds, and every disease
They have no power over me

Oh I, I’m coming back to life
I’m feeling hope arise
Because of You, only You
Jesus…
I, I’m leaving the rest behind
My heart is satisfied
Because of You, only You
Jesus…
I, I’m coming back to life
I’m feeling hope arise
Because of You, only You
Jesus…
Oh I, I’m leaving the rest behind
My heart is satisfied
Because of You, only You
Jesus

Because of You, only You
I’m coming back to life
Oh thank You Jesus
Oh thank You Jesus
I’m coming back to life
I’m coming back to life
Thank You Lord
I’m coming back, I’m coming back to life

I had no reason to be depressed except for maybe the pain. Work is going well. I have a roof over my head and transportation to everywhere that I need to go. Friends that support and pray for me. No real reason to be depressed. I know things have not felt right for several weeks and that there was a change to medication in that time, but there have been other more wonderful things to think about and do. Celebrate my birthday. Enjoying time with my family. Just to name a few.

Writer’s block has been a problem again, but that could just be part of the depression. I’m not wanting to dwell in the why’s of the past. Even if Facebook keeps reminding me of where my life has been this time of year. 2011 to the present. Isn’t Facebook so helpful to remind us of the bad just as well as the good. I haven’t always been lucky or in a good place during the summers of my life, it would seem. I could wonder all day, but I know that that is not productive.

I’m reading about the life of some modern authors. For suggestions really. I really do not need writing prompts as much as I think I need to know that I am not alone in the struggle to keep writing even when nothing can be published yet. Journey to Life is still not ready. So many things keep getting in the way that sometimes I think it was only an exercise in writing. Something to get me through school. Something just for me maybe. At this point I don’t think that it could help anyone to even understand me.

I don’t know what will happen to this journal entry. Putting it in my memo is a gamble. Maybe I just need to see if this copies.

Well it did, but I’m already here so I might as well keep writing this as a blog entry.  I’m on my way to work on the trolley. I had a great morning until I decided to go with a friend somewhere instead of going home. I was afraid of sleeping too much. By going with her I lost time I could have been writing to only upset her with my inaction. It is hard to write without naming names or giving complete descriptions of what happened. Just suffice it to say that after a year I’m not making good decisions in relationships. I still avoid confrontation to my own detriment. 

I’m falling asleep more than I thought. Was watching TV. Closed my eyes for a second. Bam…I was snoring. I was thinking it was depression. It may just be sleep apnea again. But I cannot get new equipment. I’m just going to take the most normal rest time and give myself a little grace the rest if the time.

Starting to feel a little better now. Just had to get some of the negative out. Having trouble typing with the trolley rocking, so this may be quite short. It really is almost time to get off the trolley. Bye bye for now. 

What to Do

I haven’t been sitting here for very long, but it feels like the next thirty minutes will take forever. It is a bad thing to spend an hour listening to worship music and a little Bible reading and be feeling a sense of dread. I spent almost my entire day off in bed. Mostly sleeping, but never feeling rested. Sounds a little like laziness and a lot like depression. Lack of motivation. Feeling sick all the time and struggling with shoulder pain is not helping. 

If you cannot tell I am not looking forward to the next five and a half hours. If the ladies are cool, tonight will be easier to handle. I just cannot seem to go over two hours without a break. This shift only has one break. Meals are out of sync and it is messing with my blood sugar too. I hate all this self-focused complaining. It doesn’t help anyone. There’s no life in it.

I have not moved any closer to finishing the revision on the first chapter of Journey into Life. I obsess about all sorts of little, unimportant things and don’t have anything left to face the rest of the day with. My worship, prayer, study and church going are like shots to boost me immediately,  but as soon as they are over I feel lost. My writing is almost nonexistent.  Again. It’s like I have nothing to say. But that is not true. I want to share Jesus and help others, but I just cannot find my way of doing it. I thought writing was it.

It is almost time to get back to work.  Start work rather. I don’t want to move along like a zombie. I want people to see light and life and Jesus. Not me or my problems. It just seems like problems are all I can see. The Word is life and I need more of it than sleep. Why can’t the devil leave me alone long enough for me to be strong enough for battle.