Prince of Peace 

This has been a great week of reconnecting in prayer and meditation with my Father God. You see, because of my roommate’s work and transportation schedule and mine have criss-crossed. Because of this I have had to go back to riding the trolley a few times a day. I leave the house two hours early for work and an hour early for physical therapy. During my travel time I have been able to listen to all my downloaded music, read a book of choice and meditate on my Bible. It has been so awesome. 

One song that has really ministered to me has been Prince of Peace by Hillsong United. There have been several times in recent weeks that I have had pretty intense anxiety attacks. Mostlt heavy chest pain. I told the doctor anxiety hasn’t been an issue and now it is again. There have also been times when I have been so emotional that I’ve wanted to cry. Even at work. Co-workers have even seen it in my face. The only thing I can attribute it to is the reduction in medications.

But I like being able to say yhat I’m not depending on the medicine.  I need to call the doctor. It’s time for physical therapy,  I  need to go. I’ll be back! 

Free Time

If you can believe it. And if you know me at all right now, you will…I had about four hours of free time today. I could have spent it doing anything. But you know what I did with the time God gave me? I took a really long nap. Stupid idea to take such a wonderful day and a good idea and ruin it. Now I am being a little funny in telling this version of my afternoon. A nap can help to revitalize you. An hour is more than enough time to do that. What I did was wake up to go to the bathroom and went back to bed. What made it a stupid idea was going back to sleep and having another of my old losing my memory nightmares. Fresh with demons and getting drunk. Being afraid of being mugged or raped is not as terrifying as the actual experiences, but my fear was real and so was the dream.

I was going on a trip with my ex-husband and extended family. The kids were around 10 and grown-up at the same time in this dream. My mom was there driving her station wagon. There were so many things to tell me in the dream that things were not real. I have been divorced 12 years and my mother has been gone almost that long as well. Children cannot be 10 and allowed in bars at the same time. We were on one of our trips to Kansas City for some reunion-like activity and stopped at this crazy thing. I call it crazy because it was a combination of a bowling alley, arcade, movie theater, diner and bar. A something for everyone kind of place in a bad part of town. Why we had to stop there I do not know.

I was thirsty and kept leaving the group to get refills of my cherry-limeade. On my third or fourth trip I suddenly asked for whatever was on the fountain. Realizing that I was ordering a beer, I told them to just give me whatever they thought was best. They went on to give it to me in some kind of can that can be turned into a bottle for appearances of course. It wouldn’t be cool to be drinking from anything but a long neck…Seriously…what was I thinking. Well I was thinking that I was giving up almost seven years of sobriety for a thirty second buzz.  To sip only what was left of an expensive beer after a another drunk made me spill my precious stuff. For some reason I thought that it would make my ex-husband want me more if I drank again. Make me more desirable. Simply crazy stuff.

The major problem didn’t turn out to be the drinking as much as the leaving the group. When I got back to the area where everyone had been sitting, they were gone. I immediately started to back track through the different parts of the arcade-bar. Needless to say I couldn’t find anyone at all. No mom. No kids. No husband. I went outside to find the car, but it was gone as well. Curiously the sidewalks were now lined with families sitting on the curb like they were waiting for a parade. I went back inside to look for everyone again to only find that people were getting up and leaving like the place was closing down. Unusual for a bar to close during happy hour don’t you think.

Things only seemed to get worse from there.  I started to wonder in and outside panicking. All I could think about was how I needed to call someone, but couldn’t remember anyone’s phone number. Not even my mother’s. I don’t know why it was so important to be able to at least call her. I racked by brain trying to think of somebody that could help me. My mother-in-law? My sister-in-law? It didn’t matter. I couldn’t remember anything that could get me out of the situation except the idea to start walking and hope I discovered where they had went. The problem with that of course was that I had no earthly clue where I was or how to get out of there.

I walked up and down the sidewalk several times. Every time things would change just a little. A gas station would appear and disappear and be replaced by a burger joint. Then they would be open and then closed again. Like I couldn’t depend on going there for help. This entire time I would occasionally think of the useless telephone in my purse. This is actually important to my frame of mind later. If you haven’t noticed my thoughts were definitely scrambled and scattering to the wind.

With all that I didn’t know, somehow I knew the difference between north and south. I began walking north. Farther into the worst part of town. Why? I have no clue. There was a group of people to my left that I was trying to avoid, but one of them made eye contact with me. I was simply going to ignore her when suddenly she calls me by name and goes on to say that she knew what I was doing. I was immediately suspicious of this strange person and accused her of being a demon because she knew me somehow. I immediately turned around and started to pray for probably the first time since the evening started. I was able to get away from them easily enough, but when I started to discover all the establishments were closed and deserted suddenly that demon woman’s voice was in my head telling me everything will be okay. I don’t know why I was so sure this was all an attack from the devil, but I did.

After walking for what seemed like miles, I started trying to think of how to get someone to rescue me before I was attacked or worse. Then it occurred to me that I could call 911 and the police would be happy to pick up my still drunk little derrier. How do you spell rear end in French? I should know I took French for three years in high school. I pull my phone out of my purse and realize that not only is my purse damp and smelling like beer, but my phone is ruined. My panic turns to all out terror as I realize there is no hope of rescue. As my hear pounds and mind continues to race, all I can think about is how this can’t be happening for me again. Lost with hardly a memory to speak of. I thought this had to be a dream, but thinking that didn’t wake me up. The terror just dragged on and on until my tired body couldn’t take it anymore…and then I woke up. PRAISE GOD IT WASN’T REAL!

So this is my mind when it is supposed to be at rest. And I was only taking a nap. What would it have been like if I was trying to actually sleep before work or something. Well. I have to go play bingo now. Wish me luck. No on the other hand. I do not need luck when I am blessed by God and have his favor in all I do. He is my provision and not some chance at winning a game. It will simply be fun. I do not have to worry considering that my roommate is purchasing my bingo packet.

Great Day in the Morning 

I am having a great. God’s been blessing me left and right all morning. First and foremost,  giving me another day to praise His name on earth. A wonderful lady took me to breakfast at local restaurant and it was amazing. I saw an old friend as well. Later today I will be going out of town to play bingo. Praying to win. Just a good day all around.

Tomorrow it will be time to get back to writing Journey into Life. It was supposed to be finished by now. But that was before I decided to do the major rewrite. I’m hoping it won’t take me too much longer. The writer’s block is on its way out. Thanks to my awesome God. 

He is Risen

So blessed to be forgiven. Glorify the name of the Lord for what He has done for all of us. He loves us all. I may have problems remembering specific things, these are the things that I know…Jesus died for all sin and beat death and the grave. His resurrection is complete. There is no doubt. No matter what.

I know that I am not perfect and He doesn’t expect me to be. I am only to try each day with all that I have in me. The Holy Spirit does the work. I just need to lisren and be willing. It may not always look like it on the outside, but I am giving of myself more each day. I want to be a blessing.  I want to give what people need. I am just still so afraid of getting close enough to people to see how I can help.

Sometimes I feel so lazy and selfish, but I know that is not how Christ lived. Just because fatigue kicks me in the rear that shouldn’t mean I don’t have anything to give. Worship and the Word have been the only things that have sustained me lately. Kari Jobe and Hillsong United lyrics have been the prayers of my heart daily. Without the worship, prayer and Word I could not have made it through. 

This has been the only writing I have done in weeks. It feels so good. I shouldn’t have to make myself do what I believe God gifted me to do. Writing is a passionate process for me today, but for some reason I have ran from it. Fear. Mistrust. I do not know why. I am so grateful for God’s grace during my struggle with my calling.

I have to get back to work. Hope to be back soon. Praying so.